Deeper than Tears

Someone bought me a little book with this title amd it has been a great blessing to me. I woke 4.30 this morning with this question in my head, "What could be deeper than tears". I tossed and turned pondering this question and then it sparked, "The promise of Hope". Keeping hope alive at a time like this is crucial because somewhere hope becomes a reality and fills the void of tears. Thats my theory anyway.
I have to thank God for the people that have stirred my hope, made me believe in myself again and been there to lift up the weary arms of faith. Discouragement is a powerful thing that can rob you of hope, a dark cloud which blinds our eyes to the mercy of God and makes us think only of the unfavourable stuff. There is only one way to scatter the cloud of discouragement and a good friend of mine reminded me last evening, Wait on the Lord. Its not by our own strength or our own ability to think, work out, or fix. According to Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: WAIT, I say on the Lord". Today I'm going to work on something thats DEEPER THAN TEARS, its called THE PROMISE OF HOPE.

Pursuit

Yesterday was another difficult day, they creep up now and again like a thief, no warning, not sure of what instigates them but they come. I was in my pursuit to find God and again He was hiding. Sometimes one gets weary in fighting and yesterday while outwardly I worked away, my arms of faith where hung low at my side. I looked back 2 days to where I wrote never to give up and thought, "Did I write that". It was like being stuck in the dark room of doubt and pain where we can believe satans lie that we are going to remain in this miserable place forever. Leslie Williams writes in "Night Wrestling" the future is like a long, black corridor with a light shining under the door. Though we may feel alone, locked in one of the rooms off the hallway, we can hear the passing of feet, and we can pray for God to unlock the door and to walk with us toward the slim band of light visible just ahead.
I have just entered week fifteen, Jill has now been gone 98 days and life is Oh so different but I have to keep believing, holding on, trusting a God that seems to constantly elude me, knowing that I'll find Him because I'm in PURSUIT, I'm searching with all my heart and ones ability to project past the present pain gives us hope and endurance, leading us toward the light of a better day.

Alone

Have you ever noticed as you read the Psalms how many times the Psalmists say, “Help me…” “Rescue me…” “Save me…” “Deliver me…” and the ultimate of course in Psalm 22:1 echoes the words of Jesus in Matthew 27:46 “My God, my God, WHY have you abandoned me”. Ken Gire writes, He doesn’t ask “Why are the soldiers treating me like this” He doesn’t ask “Why did Peter deny me” He doesn’t ask “Why am I being crucified". He knew the answers to all these. It seems Jesus could bear the nails, the thorns, the beatings. He could bear the public humiliation, the personal ridicule. He could bear the betrayal, the desertion off all His friends. But the abandonment of His Father God, He couldn’t bear.
There is a bumper sticker that say’s “If you’re not as close to God as you once where, He is not the one that has moved”. Not a true statement in my mind anymore, for weeks unend I struggled to find God and I don’t think I was the one who moved, I don’t think Jesus on the cross moved either yet He seems to have lost contact somewhere after those three hours of darkness. Maybe my theology is messed up but sometimes in your life God seems to leave us alone, desperately alone, its like He moves the goalposts, at what seems to be the most crucial times of our life. I haven’t it figured out yet, when I do you will be the first to know.
Remember today to love much and hug loads.

Reinvestment

There is a word used in grief counselling called REINVESTMENT. It is a powerful thing and one must reinvest or you are beat. What I have found is that in the early days I reinvested in spending loads of time with God, climbing mountains and riding motorbikes. When I was up a mountain I would hate the fact that I was doing this to try to fill a void and emptiness in my life. Some people even said I was running from my grief. Something unique has began to happen, on my last day off I climbed a few peaks and quess what, I enjoyed it. Then a strange thing happened, I began to feel quilty that I was enjoying myself without Jill. We really are wierd aren't we but here's my observation for today, this new life that i've had to make for me holds some good things. On Saturday morning I went on my motorbike up round the coast with a couple of my friends who happen to love bikes as well, had breakfast a good old chat and home. I had a ball, I loved it and quess what, one of my friends has a brand new Harley Heritage soft tail (that is one class motorbike for those who are ignorant to bikes) and he allowed me to ride it from Ballinahinch, a touch of Heaven on earth.
Grief must be worked through, but its only all over if you allow it to be. Jill loved fun and would be saying "go on Philip, get on with it, build the Kingdom". If you are experiencing grief today, don't dare give up, keep going, its hard work but you can do it. You owe it to your loved one and to yourself.
Love yas

Listeners

I am not an expert on grief but there are a few observations I have made over the last 3+ months. One is that grief is universal, everywhere there are people in grief. At the same time it is powerfully personal and one needs to talk but to do that you need some listeners. Grief needs to be expressed like the old steam engines, unless it can get out in a controlled way it will explode and wreck everything. I thank God each day that He brought around me some listeners. Now I am aware I've told these people the same thing over and over and over again but they keep listening and thats what one needs. If you are in grief today you need to find these people in your life who will give you permission to talk or waffle as I call it. They are not advisers although I now value thier opinion above all others but they don't tell you how to do it they just listen. I get a phone call and the person will say, "Do you need to talk". Man this is so vital because if you go for grief counsel and that might be important for you all as they will encourage you to do is talk. How do you find these people? Its easy. They will be the ones that don't finish your sentences or go on to a different subject before you've finished speaking, they don't talk about what they would do if they where you as a matter of fact sometimes they don't talk at all. In my job I love to listen but Here I am needing listeners. I will be eternally greatful to God for placing them in my life and for you my fellow grievers, find some LISTENERS, its absolutly vital.
Love yas

Character

Andy Stanley in his book "Like a Rock" tells at the edge of a rocky overlook in the Appalachian foothills stands a lone two-hundred-year-old evergreen tree. Through the years it has defied heavy snows, hailstorms, and the steady westerly winds rising off the valley floor. From its vulnerable view of endless ridges and valleys, it has seen conditions that would snap most trees in half. Nevertheless it stands strong.
Whats the secret?...The answer lies below the surface. For literally two centuries, the elements have hurled their assaults against the tree. But while storms raged on the outside, the tree was developing an inner support system to sustain it. Every gust of wind sent the roots sprawling deeper into the soil, expanding the trees tenacious grip on the mountain.
The week past has fired another few storms and I have to admit Wednesday night I lay before the Lord on the floor and for the first time in my life I didn't know what to say. I was battle weary and speechless before him so I wept and wept and wept and then slept.
We are like trees, subject to the stormy elements of life. When they come, we either snap or grow stronger. What makes the difference is not the ferocity of the storm but the depth of our CHARACTER.
Love yas

Decisions

The mountains where beautiful yesterday, it was a lovely day and I stand in awe of the creative God I serve. He spoke this splendour and beauty into being with a word and that in my book is pretty impressive. I was eating my lunch at the Blue Lake and was drawn to Isaiah 49; verse 13 says “Burst into song O mountains! For the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion on those in their sorrow”. Imagine the mountains bursting forth in song, my goodness that would be some noise. I talked yesterday about the importance of choice or decision. Life is a series of choices and most of us are where we are through decisions we have made. I have a friend who says “No one ever makes right decisions; we just make decisions and then make them right”. I’m not sure of the theology of that but it carries some truth. I continually hear people play the blame game, it’s always someone else’s fault, his, hers, the kids, the boss, the environment and if all that fails its Gods fault. I have lived long enough to know that bad things happen to good people, its part of living in a fallen world and so I say to my kids about Jill, “it’s happened and there’s not a darn thing we can do to change it but we can change our outlook and stop blaming God”. Jesus said “In this world you will have trouble, but I have overcome the world”. Good to know God is still in control, so whatever decision you make work like it all depends on you and Pray like it all depends on Him.
Love yas

CHOICES

Verdell Davis writes, “Can strength be born out of weakness? Courage out of fear? Joy out of sorrow? Confidence out of pain? New life out of loss”?
When we stand in the middle of a life storm, it seems the storm has become our way of life. We cannot see a way out. We are unable to chart a way back to smoother waters. We feel defeated-and broken. Will that brokenness produce a cynicism that will keep us forever in the mire of “if only” thinking? Or will we yield up that brokenness to the resources of the One who calms the winds and waves, heals the broken-hearted, and forgives the most grievous of sins? The CHOICE is ours.
I have found that while you can plan to move on, the pull of the past is a powerful force. All kind of emotions swirl around ones head like a giant tornado pulling debris from every art and part. Guilt forms out of questions like, should I be moving on? Can I move on? Can I actually ever enjoy life again without Jill? What will everyone think? Will they think I didn't love her?
Choices have to be made or one will stay static and static waters stagnate and die. No one told me about these choices, they're hard to make and you must make them alone.
I am going up the mountains to be with God today and I am going to pray for every soul in this horrible place of hard CHOICES.
Love yas

Why???????

Yesterday was another day full of whys. Its wierd that when you come to terms with some of the questions one has with God it seems that they continually creep up again and again. Like what I sort out with God today I might just have to sort out tomorrow again. My youngest daughter took an asthma attack yesterday and as I rushed her to hospital it seemed time was running out, I really thought I had lost her as well. I stood crying out to God over her limp breathless body thinking "The last time I did this it didn't work". When the doctors revived her I went out to a quiet place in the hospital, slumped into an old wheelchair and wept and wept and wept. My prayers yesterday where short, I didn't actually know what to say to God. After 3 months of calling constantly upon Him I was tired, angry, cheesed off and thankful all mixed together. So my prayer life yesterday consisted of short sentences, WHY GOD. What have I done that was so wrong? What are you playing at? Have you forgotten me? Are You still there?
I bet your thinking I repented of all that last night, not just yet, I still need my wee moan, but I'll get there. I still love Him and He's stuck with me till He calls me home as well and He knows it.
Love yas

Tomorrow

Its funny that as you move through grief you are only able to cope with today. Survival mode, I call it. In the early days even facing one whole day was to difficult so I broke them into 3, morning, afternoon and evening. In those sections I could get through and when evening would fade I would thank God I'd made another whole day. Now 13 weeks on I seem to be considering tomorrow and thats scary. Questions loom when I think like this, what does it hold for me? will I be alone? The questions seem endless. It is at this point where I know I have to cast myself upon the providence of God. I don't know if you have ever been in a place where you are hopelessly and absolutley dependant on God, this is one of those places. I wish I could tell you its a good place but its blind faith. Not knowing what tomorrow holds for me drives me into the arms of the one I know does, Oswald Chambers put it this way, "Don't be disturbed today by thoughts of tomorrow; leave tomorrow alone, and bank in confidence on God's organizing of what you do not see". Mingled with that are the words of Jesus, "Take no thought of tomorrow". These statements are easier read than put into practice but I think I'll live today and wait and see what TOMORROW holds.
Love yas

Grazed knee

My family are the best in the world. Last night we had a bbq to celebrate my Dad and Mums 60th wedding anniversary. In usual family style my brothers and my sister all turned up with all their kin, it was like the clan gathering. My family have a unique sense of humour, Jill loved these get together’s, she said we would laugh at all the silliest things, sometimes at nearly nothing at all. I new this one was going to be terribly different so yesterday all day I was preparing myself, not for going but for coming home, one cannot describe the emptiness and pain at a time like this. I can face going to most things, its the leaving to come home thats worse.
One of my nieces little ones fell and grazed her knee and her hand. It was such a calamity and as I prayed for Daddy God to make her better I found myself being whisked back to a time when a grazed knee, a torn trouser leg or a bloodied nose was a massive thing to me. Oh how time has a way of deepening the calamities of life. As I watched the kids play last night I was praying into myself that God would protect them from growing up to soon and so to little Caitlin, I trust your better today and that you realize the world of the grazed knee isn’t so bad after all, today it will probably be all better.
Love yas

Brokeness

Brokeness is a funny thing. In my job I have been around so many broken people and you would think for someone to work in such close proximity to something they would understand it. Thats what I thought until it came to my door. Until one goes through brokeness I don't think they can ever fully have a handle on it. It's like for the first time in my life I have no control over my emotions or anything for that matter.
This must be why Isaiah could say that Jesus was "aquianted with Grief". History would tell us that somewhere just prior to the wedding at Cana in Luke 2 Jesus' Dad had died. There would have been no-one on earth closer to Jesus at this time. Growing up, the eldest of the family, trained by His Dad in the carpenters shop, He must have been broken. I have asked God why He let Jill die at 48 with everything to live for but as I've read and studied this passage of scripture I wondered as Mary watched Jesus her Son heal the sick and raise the dead, did she ever ask herself why Jesus hadn't raised Joseph His own earthly Dad. I think she might but then like me I'm sure she would have reminded herself that He only does those things which the Father tells Him to do. So I have concluded that raising Joseph or raising Jill wern't in the Masters plan.
Love yas

Greater Love

It s funny how we come to depend on love, I reckon it must be the greatest force on earth. I miss Jill's love, I say to God everyday that I love Him and I do but I really miss the tangibility of love here on earth. I miss companionship, a hand to hold, a body to touch, lips to kiss, I could go on but you get my drift. Jesus said in John's gospel that "GREATER LOVE has no man than this, a man laying down His life for His friends".
Death has a way of shattering love. I will always love Jill, what we had was unique and even as I try to move on in my life I will love her forever but its different, its over. Jill can no longer love me in return and as I watch people love each other I can't help but feel denied that privilage. As I walk in the park and watch a wife snuggle into her husband I cannot describe the feelings of lonliness.
So as the months move on with someone like me please don't judge us when we look out for love again. There I've said it, just being honest and not ready yet but hope is a wonderful thing in a time like this. Thank God this morning for GREATER LOVE.
Love yas

He is God

I was off yesterday and spent another day on the mountains. I done three peaks in the rain and really enjoyed it, the scenery wasn’t brill but it brings to me the magnitude of our God. Psalm 90:2 “Before the mountains were brought forth or even formed the earth and the world. From everlasting to everlasting you are God”.
At the top of Binnian are stones bigger than my house, I have never seen such gigantic stones. I was wondering how in the wide world did they get there, then I remembered from everlasting to everlasting He is God.
I was sort of thinking, "if God can create such beauty and such spendour with just a word then my issues are of no problem to Him at all". I wonder how God can bring beauty out of ashes according to Isaiah 61 but you know, He can and He will, no matter what your going through. (I feel like Preaching)
As I have enjoyed climbing And spending time with God I have come to realize more and more, I don't need to climb to Him, I just come to Him, simply, He's waiting and watching and "from everlasting to everlasting HE IS GOD".
Love yas

Whatever works

Week 13 started on Thursday for us, its funny how slow time goes when you are living every second of every minute of every day and sometimes nights as well. Time does march on but it seems Jill has been gone years instead of only weeks. So much has changed about our home, our homemaker is gone and I have had to do some rare things. I have now got a motorbike, I walk miles everyday and I climb mountains. It has been said to me that I am running away from it, (that’s a stupid thing to say) my answer is, “I couldn’t run fast enough if I where superman”. As I do my new ventures I am often reminded of why I do them, and listen, no motorbike is fast enough and no mountain is high enough to quench the pain of grief, but it helps. Our normal has changed forever but out there is a new normal, I mightn't like it all but I have convinced myself it might not all be bad. So my new motto to my kids is “DO WHATEVER WORKS”. I have found myself lately reversing the roles in my mind and thinking what would I be encouraging Jill to do now if I where taken and her left. I think I would encourage her to get on with the Kings Business and DO WHATEVER WORKS.
Love yas

Refining fire

Have you ever heard how they refine silver? They heat it to an incredible temperature and the dross bubbles to the top where the silversmith can scoop it off. I’m told that when the silversmith can see his own reflection on the top of the pot he knows the silver is pure and ready for use. Oh how I need to be refined, to carry the Masters reflection should be the utmost desire in all our hearts. I always told Jill that it was ironic that her name and Jesus’ started with the same letter because they had so much more in common than just that. I could see Jesus in her, that constant smile, her dare, her adventurous spirit and her ability to think beyond herself where hallmarks that I will never forget. When I’d doubt myself she would give me that look, no words, the look said it all. Then to put the cream on it she would say, “Philip dear, would you stop trying to figure God out and just trust Him”. What advice to an old analytical logical thinker, I like things in order but I’ve come to know this much about God. He is a God of order; it’s just that His order and mine don’t always match. I think I need to stay in that old pot and let Him burn off the dross so that people could see HIS reflection in me. Wouldn’t that be cool?
Love yas.

Parachute Packers

I read a book some years ago called “I’m no Hero” by a guy called Charlie Plum. It was one of those books that has always stayed in my mind. Charlie was an American fighter pilot during the Vietnam War and was shot down over enemy territory and had to parachute out, was captured and held as a prisoner of war until the war was over. The story of how he survived in solitary confinement is amazing. Sometime after his release he was sitting in a restaurant having a meal when this guy walked over to him, the conversation went like this, “Your Plum, Charlie Plum, that’s right but who are you. Oh you don’t know me but I packed your parachute”.
Ever thought about how they’re packed, every fold in tact, every string untangled and every detail adhered to because someone’s life depends on it. I used to call Jill my wee parachute packer.
I have had some parachute packers over the last 12 weeks, I write this with tears for you because you have kept me alive when I thought I couldn’t go on. Never under estimate a kind thought, word or deed to someone, it could be the prompting of the Holy Spirit and it could save someone’s life, even physically.
Can I encourage you today to pack someone’s parachute, nothing is too insignificant. Pray right now, ask God to lay somebody on your heart by His Holy Spirit and DO IT.
Love yas

Highs and Lows

I didn’t have a very good day yesterday, many tears and much heartache. It seems that the high moments are getting higher but low ones lower. I spoke to my friend John in Bangor last night and what he said made sense, ‘the lowers don’t get lower, its just as you get up a little more you have further to fall. I have never done a parachute jump and don’t intend to either but I reckon it must be like that moment when they jump and are freefalling and then realize their chute won’t open and panic sets in as work to release the emergency chute. Yesterday was like freefalling back into grief, not a nice experience; I wanted to kick myself but was never good at football so I was afraid of missing. After tea I drove to Newcastle and climbed to the top of Slieve Donard. I sat at the top alone and watched the sun go down, what beauty and splendour as the sun nestled in behind the other mountains. I read Isaiah 46 “Who can compare to our God”. I went up to talk to God and I did, all the way up, at the top, and all the way down, but again He was silent, not a cheap, so I guess I just keep waiting with the words of Isaiah 40:31 “They that WAIT upon the Lord, He will renew their strength they shall rise up with wings as eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint”. Waiting the worst, isn't it?
Love yas

The Future

Another tough weekend but its another one down praise God. I will never have to live that weekend again nor can you. We can only live now because none of us know the future. Now theres a scary word for me at the minute, the Future. Jill and I had many plans for the future, she was a dreamer as those who knew her will smile and remember. No road to long, no hill to steep for my Jill. I on the other hand am a goal setter, a logical thinker, (boring) so when we talked together Jill would dream and I would try to pick out the stuff that we could maybe some day try. I always said Jill was the accelerater and I was the brake in our house. We had this dream of building our own home when all the kids got married, we would sit up late and talk about it and Jill would sketch out the plans on the back of some random piece of paper.
Now I don't know what the future holds for me and I get scared looking ahead and its too painful at the moment to look back. Its like being stuck in a time warp, a vacumn. I suppose we all have to leave the future in the hands of the only one who knows it and that's God. My sister Trisha gave me a banner which hangs in my bedroom, it's Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
I'm glad God knows cause I ain't got a clue.
Love yas, and remember what I told you. 'Hug loads and Love much'

Grief

Grief is a weird thing and I have noticed how it can change dramitically as one goes through the process of it. Yesterday was what I have come to know as a miss Jill day filled with grief and loss. As the time has passed my grief has changed from mourning her loss to missing her presence. That may sound funny but they are completley different and the latter is by far more the stronger of the two. My grief at the moment is much more severe, my tears seem to come from deep within my gut and is much more painful, the only blessing is that recovery time is quicker, I seem to be able to pull things together quicker. I'm beginning to wonder are there many more types as well. The greatest comfort that I can find in these moments of dispair are from the words of scripture, Isaiah 53 tells us that Jesus is aquainted with grief, a Man of sorrows. He knows and understands us in these moments because He endured them as well and that gives me great hope.
My problem is I am weary with it, worn down by tears, no let up and no days off. One wonders where the energy to endure will come come from, again the Bible says "weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning". I await my morning when joy will spring forth. Church is a bitter sweet experience for me, I miss Jill beyond words yet I love my God and love it when His people come together to worship Him. So hope you all have a great Lords Day.
Love yas.

Support

I was thinking of that powerful verse in 2 Chronicles 9:16 (nas)"For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may STRONGLY SUPPORT those whose heart is fully His". Over the last 11 plus weeks I have had great support from my family, my church , my friends, my neighbours, they have all been wonderful but theres something deep inside a person that only God can do. I love the idea that God looks and finds a heart fully committed to Him and He STRONGLY SUPPORTS it, isn't that something else. I always said Jill was my number one supporter and who knows maybe she still is but of late I have had to lean on God for His support.
We all have a tendency to lean on something or someone, they can become like crutches in your life. I lost my greatest crutch on earth when Jill went home to be with the Lord, I couln't have imagined life without her. We just loved each others company so much, now with the words of the old hymn, "I'm learning to lean on Jesus".
It's teaching me to continually check what I'm leaning on and make sure it can stand the test of time. His name is Jesus.
Love yas

Fair

I went to a funeral yesterday. It was a situation similar to my own, a lovely lady with everything to live for, who loved God but she had been called home and her family are left to pick up whatever peices remain and move on. My heart was broken for them as the memories of Jill's funeral flooded back. I left seagoe cemetry and went to Lurgan cemetry and sat at the bottom of Jills grave yet again in anguish and despair, but I did it folks. My goal was to go and endure the whole service for the family and I did it and survived.
I came to a conclusion, yesterday Life is just not fair. That does not mean God is not good, He is and if you ever feel life is not fair ask Him. He sent His only Son to this world and they murdered Him before His 34th birthday. God sent John the Baptist as a forrunner for His Son and they chopped his head of at a similar age. God knows "LIFE IS NOT FAIR". I am reminded of the words of Jesus Himself in scripture, "In this world you will have trouble, but I have overcome the world". He came to redeem us, to break the curse of sin and death, one day we will stand before Him knowing He had it all under control even when we thought it just wasn't fair.
Love yas

Weights

I was reading this morning in Hebrews 12 "let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up". Jill and I used to talk about this verse a lot and try to think then was there anything in our lives that would slow down our race for our Saviour and Lord. She used to call me Mr Analylitical, always trying to figure God out she would say to me and always trying to find a better way. Jill had such a simple faith, she read God's word and just believed it. As i read it this morning I was thinking that Jill has now been stripped of every weight, she now lives in the presence of God daily in a realm where sin does not exist or can't even enter. I'm pleased for her, she has finished her race, the one she ran diligently and fervently. (I miss her desperatly)
We are still in the race and each day we need to examine our attitudes, habits, thoughts, actions and motives. Is there any unnecessary wieght that slows us down or could trip us up. If there is we need to shed it quickly because this is the most important race ever to be run and its not a trial run, you'll never get another shot at this, its a one off. You might ask how can I do it? God gives the answer to that in the same passage verse 2 "We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus our champion".
Love yas

Heavenbound

Eleven weeks tonight since Jill went home. Oh how the kids and I have struggled with now coming to our home. It seems to have become a place where we eat and sleep and everyone scatters as soon as those things are done. The one who made the house a home has gone and her absence is so unbelievably real words cannot express the emptiness and lonliness of that.
It is good to know that she has went HOME, the place where we all shall meet again. What a magnificent place, Jesus Himself said "I go to prepare a place for you and if I go away, I will come again and recieve you unto Myself". How we can get earthbound, a bit like a pot that no longer can grow because its roots have nowhere to expand to. My friends this morning, you where created for Gods pleasure, an eternal being that will live the life time of God Himself. We all, self included need to change our thinking, we need to become HEAVENBOUND. When I start to think of Heaven being my HOME my roots begin to automatically expand and I try to imagine what it must be like, what is Jill doing now? It brings a little ease to the pain knowing that she is with Christ which is far better. Hope you all have a great day.
Love yas

STAND FIRM

I was talking to a friend in my office yesterday about my fixation of Lighthouses. I have many pictures in my home and a superb one in my office of a massive wave hitting a LIGHTHOUSE, its called "ABOVE THE STORM". When the wave passes the Lighthouse is still standing, their purpose is to warn of impending danger, to be established and never to move. That has always said something to me that no matter what storm comes we need to be established and stand until it passes. The Apostle Paul writes to the church at Ephesus and in chapter 6 compels them to put on the whole armour of God that we may be able to STAND when the battle passes and STAND FIRM or as one version puts it, "STAND YOUR GROUND".
On the Oregen coast they get massive waves, over the years it has destroyed much of the coastline. It has driven homes to be relocated and has swept away much property. A mile out from that coast stands a lighthouse called Terrible Tilly, she has stood built on granite, the waves of time have never affected her, they have never weakened or washed away her strength, she stands firm and unmovable declaring to all who pass her way her strength.
I want to encourage you and me today to become Terible Tilly's, declaring that we are built on something stronger than granite. As lifes waves hit us may we be so grounded in God that we become unmovable, warning others of the danger of not trusting in a living God. I' can only talk for myself and at times over the past 11 weeks I haven't felt very strong but the one who holds me is.
Love yas

Moving on

June 5th, where does time go. It just seems to march on at an horrendous rate waiting on no-one. The weekend was another quite difficult one, there where many tears especially yesterday morning. Its difficult to move on without someone that you've loved and shared life with but unfortunatley you have got to.
I'm trying to learn to live with the past because I can't live in it. I've had many good experiences of MOVING ON as I've watched my kids grow up, as my life has moved on from husband to husband and parent and now to grandparent. This move is so unbelievably hard, as I continue to observe my family only now without Jill is heart rending but move on I must. It seems one can get stuck in a situation like this but where would that take us, probably depress us and all those around us as well. So I find I have to leave Jill where she now belongs, with Christ which is far better (for her) and MOVE ON but I can assure you its easier said than done.
As you're life moves on today I pray that you will have good experiences and that you like me will be able to trust a Mighty God who is in all things.
Every morning I say to God, "today again I hoist the sails of my life to the wind of your Holy Spirit, blow me where you will". The problem with me is that over the past months I've lost sight of every shore and I haven't a clue where this ship is going, scary scary, but I trust the Helmsman.
Love yas

Coming Home

Well, Got the Park show over and it all went well. It was a superb day and with the aid of loads of sun cream I actually avoided getting burned. One of the things I have found is that going to things is not nearly as difficult as COMING HOME. Its the real hard bit especially if all the kids are out and I come home to emptiness and loneliness.
I went to a wedding lately and all went great until I got into the car to come home. Words can not suffice to express the feeling of dispair. Maybe its because I grew up with 5 brothers and a sister and then with Jill and the kids I've not been used to being alone. I keep saying lately "well God its just you and me again".
Iwas thinking this morning of the day when God calls us and we are really "COMING HOME". Wow, that won't have the empty lonely feelings that I am experiencing at the moment, I really can't wait.
The Apostle Paul said he was torn between two, his desire to go home and be with the Lord and his need to be on the earth to proclaim Gods riches. For every saint of God there will be a COMING HOME and that is something for us all to look forward to.
Its kinda weird in that my home has always been my favourite place until I lost the one that made home special. Now COMING HOME is so different but I know that when God calls me to COME HOME it will be special because my Saviour that I have loved and served will be there. 1 Corinthians says "so shall I be forever with the Lord".
Hope you have a grat Lord's day.
Love yas

Sleepless

Tom Hanks acted in a movie called sleepless in seattle, its a nice romantic movie for all you softies like myself. I just had a sleepless in Lurgan, dosn't have the same ring to it but I can assure you every bit as effective. Its Lurgan Park Show today and we are heading to put our stand up for the sixth year on the trot. Can't believe Jill's not here, she loved this day and was involved in every aspect of it. I remember every year coming home at tea time exhausted and last year we both fell fast asleep in the living room we where so tired. Alas its another first for me today so I better go face the storm and try to remember the words of the little course I sang in Sunday school, " With Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm, as we go sailing on".
I remember singing that as a kid with such gusto, I wondered what could ever blow hard enough to rock your boat when Jesus is on board, then something happened, yes you quessed it, I grew up. Life is not easy. Thats why we need Him in our vessels, I certainly couldn't do without Him at present, even in the sleepless nights, He's there.
I kept saying to God all night "Just let me sleep a little while, please". The answer didn't come last night but maybe tonight, He's still in my vessel, I think I'll go wake Him up. Hope you have a great day.
Love yas

I WILL

I had yesterday off instead of today and quess what, I scaled Slieve Donard. First time for me and it felt fantastic, I took a topple on the way down and have the scars to prove it. I felt like I was on the top of the world, I phoned my four kids to tell them I wss praying for them at the highest point of the Mournes. My son said "dad can't you go anywhere without praying".
I was enjoying Isaiah 43, listen to verse 2, "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up. Notice 3 times the word through, again I was reminded that God dosn't always bring us around trouble but through it. He says, "I WILL be with you". A good study for you sometime is to look for all the I WILL's of God in scripture, those are the promises that when the deep waters, rivers of difficulty or fire of oppression comes you can hold on to them because it might be all that you have. Everyday in the past 72 I have sometimes 3 or 4 times a day reminded God of His promise's.
As I read Isaiah 43 I got a txt from a good friend saying "Praying for you and reading Isaiah 43, think its for you". Is that God or what, He leaves nothing to chance, He's a God of the I WILL.

LOVE

Jonny Cash sang a song, "A thing called love". One of the verses said "It can pick you up, never set you down, take your world and turn it all around, ever since time nothing ever been found thats stronger than love".
Those words are so true, I fell in love with Jill back in 1974, we where just kids and we officially started to go out on the 16th Jan 1975. It was a Sunday night and we met again the following Tuesday when I asked her to marry me. She said yes, I was the grand old age of 16, married when I was 19 and the songs so true, "ever since time nothing ever been found thats stronger than love". We where in love and it grew stronger and deeper with the years.
God agrees with this as Paul writes to Corinth 13:1-2, "you can talk with the tongues of men and angels, if you have not love you are just hollow and empty...if you understand all mysteries and all knowledge and have great faith so you can move mountains. If you have not LOVE you have nothing".
Thats a strong passage, the world would be a wonderful place if everyone loved the way they should. How's your love today? Go on, give someone a call right now, they deserve it and you will become more like God because HE IS LOVE.
LOVE yas