Swans

I was born and grew up on the shores of Lough Neagh where the beautiful swans would nest on the shores. It was there that I used to hear my granny say, “Everyone thinks their own duck is a Swan”, meaning you always see the best in your own. I have taught this saying to our church over the last 10 years because they are not ducks, they truly are swans. I have believed in them and loved them knowing that God has so many plans for their lives seeking to instil the truth of Ephesians 3:20 (no secret its my favourite verse) “Now unto to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than you can ask or think, according to the power that works in you”. You just cannot out dream, out love or out give our God, He’s too big for our wee minds.
Swans are called the Queens bird; well my swans are the KINGS birds and the KING of all kings at that. Over the past 10 weeks I have sensed a strength of loyalty, love and support from these people that humbles me to tears. I really love you all with all my heart and know that God will continue to guide us through this valley.
Thank you all you bloggers for your encouragement yesterday.
Love yas

Frustration

The thing that frustrates me at this time is my inability to give to others. Its like a bird that has been stripped of its ability to sing. I have lived my life in service to others and now I feel I have nothing to give. My eyes have turned inward and the only thing I see is my pain and greif, my broken heart. I have apologized to my kids so many times as I struggle even to give to them. I so much want to help and love people again in a servant way, Its my heart.
I am reminded of Abraham, 4 times in Genesis he lifted up his eyes and saw something divine, something that pulled him out of the hole he was currently in. You will remember when God spared Issaac, "he lifted up his eyes and saw a ram caught by its horns in a thicket".
Lot on the other hand only once is recorded that he lifted up his eyes and he saw "the well watered plains which led to Sodem and Gomorah".
I have been forced to ask myself the question, how high am I lifting my eyes? The problem is I feel sometimes I'm sinking in a deep mire where there is no standing and so its hard to get my eyes of my own situation.
I'm really going to try today, why? cause I love you guys and I love my King.
Love yas

BC/AD

When Jill died it changed my life for the rest of time. I seem to relate everything in time either to before Jill died or after, like I don't have to think about it to tell you its almost 10 weeks, 68 days now since she left for Glory. Its really hard to imagine that where Jill is now no time exsists, she is not controlled by that old clock that in many ways is our master. Death has a way of changing time, it certainly has for me.
I was thinking how Christ death changed everything in time but also in eternity. We measure time either BC, before Jesus died or AD after He died. Jesus' death stands as the great divider, it divides Heaven and hell and it changes lives forever praise God.
My life has been shattered by Jills death but praise God redeemed by Christs death. It was well that Jill had put her trust in Jesus death as a girl of 15 and served Him faithfully for 33 years before she went home to be with Him. Thats what really counts when time runs out, and it will for us all.
Love yas

Disbelief

Another Lords day, its been a difficult week this week, filled with much disbelief. I keep wondering where it actually becomes a full reality. I find I have to keep my mind busy because the memories of Jill are just to painful. I would love to be at a place where I could think of her and enjoy the memories.
Disbelief is like a wave that when I wake up in the morning it seems to hit me and its like maybe part of my mind or heart has not fully accepted Jills gone.
That maybe all sounds a bit weird but I think theres just so much of me dosn't want her to be gone. Its so hard without her and I still miss her desperatley.
The Apostle Paul says, "With Christ which is far better". I have taken great strength from that verse. I lived my life to please God and Jill. I loved her beyond my own life but now for her it is far better and that eases the pain a little. To know Jill is totally fulfilled in every aspect helps.
Hope you all have a great day and remember to love much and hug loads. Time is short.
Love yas

Wisdom and Knowledge

It’s funny how you can feel closer to God up a mountain. I’ve climbed a few lately and yesterday I went to the top of mount Meelmore in the Mournes. It was quite a climb and as I sat at the top I was wondering about Gods vivid imagination in creating such beauty. Like where would you start and yet the Bible says He created it all with just a word. I tend to think if God can do such a thing He has a little sway when it comes to you and me and our problems. I am reading Colossians at present and Paul says in 2:3 “In Christ lie hidden all the treasures of Wisdom and Knowledge”. Isn’t that some statement, as I spend time with God lately I have become more aware that if I want wisdom and knowledge I got to get to know Christ more intimately. The exciting thing is He craves relationship with us, to know us moe intimatley. He’s the God who loves and cares for us even in the midst of darkness I know He will not forsake or leave me.
Thank you for being with me through this valley I will never forget your prayers and kindness.
Love yas.

I BELIEVE GOD

What a day, I would be happy if I never have to endure 24 hours like that again. Thank you for your prayers, I’m still alive.
I went to the park to pray last night and I really sensed an anointing of His presence as we walked and talked. God reminded me of a portion of scripture in Acts 27 and if you’re like me and like boats, it’s a cracker story. The Apostle Paul is on a ship in a storm, this is no ordinary storm as verse 27 tells us it was the fourteenth day of it. Everyone is panicking and Paul calls them in verse 22 to “take courage”. He has had an encounter with God who had told him all would be saved. Then he makes this powerful statement, verse 25 “so take courage for I BELIEVE GOD”. I love that and what’s more folks, I BELIEVE GOD. There is a way through this and according to His Word which never fails, “He is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than I ask or think (WHY) according to the Power that works in us” Ephesians 3:20. That power is beyond our wildest dream; it’s the Holy Spirit of God.
I haven’t a clue what’s going on, I don’t understand it BUT I BELIEVE GOD.
I’m off today so I’m heading to the mountains.
Love yas.

Waves

Yesterday about 5 o'clock another wave of grief hit my soul. It has been by far the darkest deepest one yet. All evening all night and now that morning has come still no let up. I have just commenced week ten in this horrible valley. Psalm 84:6 calls it the valley of Bacca (valley of tears).
Sorry folks I have no words of encouragement today just grief and unbelievable pain and sorrow. I have been singing through my tears this morning. "Lord you have my heart, Now I will search for yours. Sometimes God is just hard to find. Value your prayers.
Love yas

Look to Jesus

I was out on Lough Neagh last night and ran into a squall. All of a sudden my boat was engulfed with rain, wind and mist. I couldn’t see 10 feet in any direction; I had to rely on my instruments. It was faith and not sight, I kept motoring and all of a sudden a break came, the storm began to pass. A little creek of clearing broke ahead and as suddenly as it came it began to pass.
I noticed something quite unique, as it passed when I looked behind it was dark and dismal but as I turned and looked ahead the sun had come out. I thought I’ll just keep my eyes ahead.
I quoted the verse from Hebrews 12:2 yesterday claiming God to be “the Author and Finisher of our Faith”. Listen to the start of that verse, “Looking unto Jesus”.
If you like me have run into a storm and can’t see in any direction then rely on your instruments, get into the WORD and PRAY like you’ve never prayed before. If my God is who I’ve always believed Him to be (and He is) then there’ll be a break. When Peter looked to the waves he sank, when he looked to Jesus He lifted him and brought to the shore. Keep believing, I’m praying now for all the bloggers who read this blog.
Love yas

Through

I was walking and weeping yesterday in the park and I was quoting all God's promises to Him again, as I was reciting Psalm 23 I said "Yea though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me". I said to God, it dosn't feel like a shadow, it feels real. It was then that the word Through jumped out at me. I have read Psalm 23 100's, if not 1000's of times and I never saw that word before.
God Is a through God, He dosn't leave His people to perish. I realize that this is not an event but a process but I'm clinging to the truth of coming through.
I suppose everyone comes through something and if you are in the midst of crisis or trouble, can I encourage you today to hold on to God. The writer to Hebrews says "He is the Author and the Finisher of our faith. God dosn't leave jobs half done, He is a Finisher. Paul write to the Philipians and says, "He who began a good work in you, will complete it" (bring you through). I take great comfort in that today, My God will not leave this old pot down untill He has crafted and completed it.
I'm not a runner but I'm told its not how you start that matters, its how you finish. Folks, we need to run and come THROUGH whatever our situation is.
I'm praying for ya. Love yas.

Waiting

I have been lookiking at some of the promises of God lately and daily I am reminding God of them like Romans 8 "All thing work together for good to those who love the Lord". Psalm 23 has been one of my favourites "He Restoreth my soul". John 10 "I have come to give you life yes life to the full" (abundance). Ephesians 3:20 "Able to do exceedingly abundantly above what we ask or think". Everyday I pray these back to God along with many more. Another Favourite is Isaiah 40 "They who WAIT on the Lord, He will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings of eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint". What a glorious promise, I am believing God's word and trust in His promises to bring me through this dark valley. Psalm 62:5 says "My soul waits only upon the Lord for my expectation is from Him.
What am I expecting from Him today? Oh how we can become the masters of our own destiny, caught up in the hussle and bussle of life.
I've had a difficult weekend with many tears but my expectation is from Him, I must WAIT on Him. No one likes waiting, we live in a now generation but good things are worth waiting for. Hope you wait on Him today.
Love yas

Deep Waters

Was at a wedding yesterday, spoke at it and stayed for the reception, another first for me since loosing Jill. Funny how I can keep up all day then get into the car and go to bits. Guess thats just the time I miss her most when I'm heading home.
I was given some flowers from the wedding so I went to her grave and give them to her. They where pink so she'd like them.
Another one of those lonely days even though there where people everywhere. Its amazing how lonely you can be in a crowd. Its made me read faces a little more and maybe be a little less judgemental of those who seem detatched from whats going on.
Psalm 18:4 says "The ropes of death entangled me, floods of destruction swept over me. Verse 6 But in my distress I cried out to the Lord...my cry to Him reached His ears. (I love that bit) verse 16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me, He drew me out of DEEP WATERS.
These are my deepest waters but I am putting my trust in a God who delivers, restores, redeems, rescues and what more Loves His kids.
I realize that I have to learn how to live without Jill and thats so hard but I could never live without Him, He will draw me out of the DEEP WATERS.
Love yas, have a great Lords day.

Winning Through

The Bible says that the Lord is near to those that are broken hearted so I’m believing he is near me. Yesterday up as I spent time with God I found myself very emotional and I was reminded of His grief. What it must have been like for God to watch His only Son die by the hands of the very creation He had made. I have watched someone I loved die and I have never felt as helpless and hopeless in all my life. It was like my heart had just been torn out and now 8 and half weeks (59 days) on it is still painful beyond words. I have to work so hard to occupy my mind with things because thoughts of Jill cause so much distress.
I wondered today about Gods heart as He viewed Calvary. How broken He must have been and how He must have loved you and I to allow it to continue through those dark hours when all of hells fury was unleashed upon Jesus His Son. Its no wonder Isaiah 53 says He is acquainted with grief. He understands first hand what its like because he endured it as well. I rest today in the hands of a God who understands, endured and won through. May we win through today.
Love yas

Prayer

My daily reading in Streams in the Desert is Genesis 24:15. Its the story of Abrahams servant going to find a bride for Isaac. He prays that God would reveal her to him and then this is what the verse says "Before he had finished praying he saw a young woman named Rebekah".
Before he had finished Praying God had heard and answered his prayer. I like that and I'm glad I serve a God that hears and answers prayer. Jesus says in John 16:23 "My Father will give you whatever you ask for in my name". Its good to rise in the morning having confidence in a God who is my Father who loves His children and wants to give them good things.
Prayer is a powerful thing and James tells us we have not because we ask not. I don't know about you but I'm asking a lot of God and I'm believing He will be true to His word and bring me through this valley. He will not fail me, He will not forsake me, I am His child and He loves me. I'm holding on to that.
Its my day off so I have an appointment, I'm away yo climb a mountain and meet with Dad. I'll tell ya about it tomorrow, by the way all those Prayer requests, I entered them in a book, their coming with me so expect your answer.
Love yas

Worship

My friend Neilly G came round to my house last night and brought his guitar. He ministered to me in music and song and the presence of the Lord was almost tangible in the room. I felt at one stage like warm oil was being poured over me.
Worship is a mighty powerful thing. I have found over the last 8 weeks that while it can touch your soul and bring many tears it also brings a healing virtue of the Power of God. The Psalmist said “God inhabits the praises of His people”, a modern translation says God builds a throne and come and sits with His People.
If you want God to hang around start worshipping Him. The enemy can’t stand in the anointed worship of Gods children.
Yesterday was a better day praise God for His mercy. I now commence week 9 without Jill, still seems unreal and very tender.
Love yas

Where else will I go

Yesterday I said I was going to ask God for a refreshing, well I did and guess what He did also. About 9 oclock last night things began to change and I knew it was God.
I was reminded of that scripture in John 6:67 when Jesus ask His disciples where they going to leave Him as well and Peter said in verse 68 "Lord to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and we know You are the Holy One of God".
I love the expression "We believe and we know".
I believe and I know God can bring me through this and anyway, Where else would I go?
Its like life is now moving on but a part of me can't move on without Jill and it becomes torn.
John Kelly has become a great friend, he pastors Kings in Bangor. John lost his wife suddenly as well and God has used him in my life. He said to me last night, "Philip its like being on a train leaving the station, you want to stay on the platform but you can't, the train is moving". Tough one folks but I'm going with God, WHERE ELSE WILL I GO? Hope you stick with Him too.
Love yas

Freshness

Lamentations 3:23 "Great is His Faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh every morning". I read that last night going to bed after a day of hopelessness and anguish. I went yesterday morning to pay the undertaker and as I left him I began to think that I'd just paid Jill's funeral and everything went downhill from there. By last night I had walked 10-12 mile trying to find comfort in God but all evaded me.
One thing I prayed yesterday as I walked was "Lord today afresh I plant my roots into your mercy, grace and love, You have to help me through this.
Then Gerry gave me this verse last night and I thought, something of God begins afresh everyday if we seek it and allow it.
I'm allowing God, I'm giving Him permission to refresh me today, to restore my soul and I'm praying that for you today as well. I continue to value your prayers in this darkest valley of my soul, a valley of brokeness and tears.
Love yas

Confidence

Yesterday was the first time I spoke in church since Jill died. I must admit I was nervous. I felt I had lost all confidence but as the week wore on I kept reminding myself that I shouldn’t have confidence in myself anyway. My confidence and trust should be in the Lord. Psalms 20:7 reminds us that “some trust in horses, some in chariots but we will trust in the name of the Lord our God.
Are you depending on your strength to get the job done?
Can I tell you, I thought I was strong until 8 weeks ago then I realized that the only confidence I had was in the Lord my God and there have been times when I have been grasping that with my finger tips. Philippians 3:3 says “Rejoice in Christ Jesus and have no confidence in the flesh.
I am keeping trusting, keeping holding on, waiting on my breakthrough. My CONFIDENCE is in HIM.
Hope you have a great week.
Love yas

Holy One

Theres a little verse that blesses me a lot. Isaiah 12:6 "Shout and cry out aloud you inhabitants of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of you".
Its good to know that through difficult times and especially these last 7 and a half weeks that I have been accompanied by the Holy One of Israel.
Yesterday we had a family fun day to help raise funds for Uganda. It was a superb day but I missed Jill desperatley. She was always in the middle of everything. I was saying to the girls one night this week that I can not go to one thing that Jill was not involved in, she was such a server.
Anyway, I trust today you realize the presence of the HOLY ONE of Israel with you.
Love yas

Heartburn

Over the past 7 and a half weeks I have sought God much and yesterday as I climbed to spend time with Him I was reminded of the two people who walked the road as Jesus came and walked with them. After Jesus had left they said "did not our hearts BURN within us". Its funny when I've climbed a mountain to talk with God it always seems to be when you come down that you detect a change.
I go up expecting to meet with God but its only actually when I come down I know I've been with Him. I'm not sure if that makes sense but after yesterday my heart burned within me and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was HIM.
This week has been better so thank you for praying. I still miss her desperately and tend to see her and think of her constantly.
Hope you have the right kind of heartburn today.
Love yas

Alone with God

Friday is my day off and Jill and I always spent it together. It was a sort of non routine day that we looked forward to and always enjoyed. I am trying to spend fridays with God now, I like Mark 1:35 "When it was still a great while before dawn, Jesus went out to a place to be ALONE WITH HIS FATHER".
If Jesus needed this how much more do we need it, He felt the need to be alone with His Father.
In my busyness Oh how I have neglected time alone with my Father, always gleaning to give out but never to take in and build that relationship with Him.
Can I encourage you to climb a mountain or find somewhere where you can be ALONE WITH YOUR FATHER, you'll be suprised to find He's there waiting for you.
Love yas
ps I'm away to climb a mountain, I'll be praying for you.

The Sun

The last few days have been really beautiful, the sun is out and as I walk a lot lately people have said to me "you've got the sun". I was thinking yesterday much about Jill and as I walked I was saying to God, "I'm getting the sun but Jill has got the SON". Jill is now with the Son of God whom she loved and served. The Apostle Paul says "With Christ which is far better".
I also wondered can people see in me and you the Son of God, just as they can regognize the effects of the natural sun surely we should display His likeness. When Moses came down the mountain he had to cover his face because it glowed with the annointing of the Lord.
Yesteray I had a real miss Jill day. I missed her fun and friendship so I had to go talking with the SON.
Hope you have a good day with the SON today.
Love yas

Songs

Up until now I have found music very difficult. Jill loved music and so everytime I go into a cafe or anywhere and hear music it really hurts because I am flooded with memories. The mornining after Jills funeral I went to Church and they where singing a Hillsongs song called "You have made me glad". I remember listening to one line in it which said "My very present help in time of need". My heart had been ripped from me and was in a thousand peices and if ever I needed help it was now.
That song has become my anthem. Number 4 on the Blessed cd, I just put it on replay and have found so much strength in it.
Hard to take in still that this day 7 weeks ago was our last day together. I have relived that day 1000 times. Let me quote you this song.
I will bless the Lord forever. I will trust Him at all times. He has delivered me from all fear. He has set my feet upon a rock. I will not be moved. And I'll say of the Lord. You are my Shield. My Strength. My Portion. Deliverer. My Shelter. Strong Tower. My very present help in time of need.
May He be your very present help today.
Love yas

Mondays

Funny how not many people like Mondays, maybe because its the beginning of a work week and everyone awaits Friday. Well let me tell you about my Monday. Yesterday was the first day I have felt reasonable in almost 7 weeks. God through your prayers was so good to me yesterday and I felt like I was being carried along.
My wee grandson Ben who is 2 and a half likes me to carry him on my shoulders, he says "Ben on Papas shoulders". I think God was carring me on His shoulders yesterday and I'm going to see if He will let me climb on today again because it felt good and safe. Isaiah says "the Government shall be upon His shoulder and His name shall be called WONDERFUL, COUNSELLOR, EVERLASTING FATHER, MIGHTY GOD and PRINCE OF PEACE.
Not a bit of wonder I feel safe, Ben can just call me Papa but I (you) can call my (our) God all these things knowing that He hears our every cry. We call Him ABBA our Daddy God, one who is touched with our feelings.
Went to my cell last night, what a group of people, I could genuinely feel their love and compassion as they prayed with me.
Thank you all for your carrying prayers, I'm away to climb on His shoulders.
Love yas

Tears

It was good to be in the house of the Lord yesterday, to worship my King is an honour I have always and still do cherish. There was a young lady gave her life to the Lord as well which is so encouraging.
My Sunday was a day of many tears. I've actually wondered where they keep coming from over the last 6 and a half weeks. The Bible tells us He bottles our tears but if He has got mine He could flood a nation.
I feel so totally helpless at the moment, I just seem to be in survival mode, trying to exist each day. Fear and panic came back yesterday and I know these aren't from God so I walked and cried until my energy ebbed. It's like fighting with every ounce of energy that you can muster up but folks, I'm just tired fighting.
I like the bit where Jesus returns and wipes away every tear, no more sorrow and no more death. I will say a healthy AMEN to that, roll on.
I value all you blog readers praying for me and here's a wee deal I'm going to make with you. If you would like me to pray for something specific for you, leave it in the comment or shoot me an email, cause i'd like to pray for you guys too.
Really love yas

God's Will

I was thinking this morning about God's will. Its easy to accept God's will when things are going well and we are prospering and enjoying life. Its a massive difference when it comes to a situation that involves sacrifice. Sacrifice means giving up something to God. Jesus, when He was in the garden was about to make the ultimate sacrifice for sins forever. He knew He would have to die in dispicable circumstances but He also knew He would have to endure the fury of hell in the darkest hours of history both naturally and spiritually. Thats why He said, "Father if there is any other way let this cup pass from me, never the less not my will but your will be done.
I wonder as you and I face difficulties can we say "Father not my will but your will be done".
Trust you have a great Lords Day and you can accept His will in your life.
Love yas

Mountains

Yesterday I went to Rostrever, I wanted to climb a mountain and be alone with God for a while. I prayed, wept and called out to God for mercy. I climbed to the highest peak and sat down with my Bible to read. It was very windy but lovely and sunny but as I sat the clouds came down and enveloped the mountain top. At first I wondered how I was going to find my way down but then I thought if this is God I'm sticking around.
As I climbed the mountain I thought of Abraham as he climbed Moriah to offer the most precious thing he owned knowing somehow God would help him through this.
I released Jill to God, after all she belonged to Him. He had allowed me to love her and look after her for 32 years and then He took her home. Its really hard but I'm choosing to trust God's Providence in this one. God is good and in control of everything, even in the darkest valley. Still hurts.
Love yas

Friday

Billy Sunday used to say, "its Friday but Sundays Coming". He was preaching in connection with the crucifixion. The devil thought he had won on Friday but Sunday proved He had been defeated even when he thought he had won.
I await my Sunday, I want the Lord to show the enemy that God is in control even when all feels out of control.
I seem to have no control of this overwhelming anguish at present, I feel consumed with my own grief so that I can't see a way out of it. It must be the darkest night of my soul. If you have ever had an experience of drowning (i hope not) that what it feels like. Maybe its just the price of love. I value your prayer to pull me through this, please pray my Sunday will come

Burdens

Last night was Jewels without Jill, the girls all done fantastic. It was hard for everyone but Gods grace helped them through. God gave us another unique rainbow just before 8. everyone coming in saw it just over the building. I feel its like God saying, "I've got all in control".
I was reading this morning in Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest". Burdens and rest don't seem to have too much in common but this morning i've been laying my burden at the Saviours feet.
I've just entered week 7 without Jill and the burden has increased with time, I keep wondering where it will turn and start to get lighter. I keep asking God to carry it and I wonder why the pain is still so acute but then I reckon He is probably carrying me at the moment. I'm in good hands.
Would you keep praying for rest. Thank you.
Love yas

God's Love

I have been reading in Matthew's gospel, "the sermon on the mount" as it has been commonly called. Jesus' words are so powerful in this passage about giving up your life for Him. He says in chapter 10, "Don't be afraid of those that can kill your body, they cannot touch your soul". What a call, He says that a sparrow dosn't fall to the ground without His knowledge and is our life not more important than a sparrow.
My last few days are filled with much struggle and strife in my soul as I try to come to terms with life without Jill. It s like a fresh challange of acceptence, greater than I have yet experienced.
I'm glad I've got God, "He says call upon Me and I WILL answer". I'm asking Him to release me from this aweful depth of anguish and depending on His I WILL.
Love yas

Head and Heart

Sleep seems to jump ship when ever I climb on board my bed, so many thoughts and memories. I think (thats my problem I think to much) my head has accepted Jills passing but my heart can't let go. What turmoil, I value your prayers, especially for sleep.

Weekend

I don't mind if God never allows me to have another weekend like the one just past. It was the most painful I have ever lived through. I keep thinking I'm walking along a cliff edge and seeing the sheer drop is scary. Well this weekend I think I fell off and held on by my fingernails (and if you've ever seen my nails you'll know that was not holding on by much) only to be pulled up on the path again by my friends. I thank God for these hero's of mine that keep me in check.
I wakened this morning at 2.30 dozed again till 4.30 got up and finished the last 8 chapters of Job. I really liked the last chapter, 42. Listen to what I got back into bed with and slept till 7.30. Job says to God in 42:5 "God I had only heard about You before but now I have seen You with my own eyes". The very next verse is his turn around. Something happens when you see God.
I'm away walking now, going to see God, hope you see Him today too.
Love yas