Two people/One person

Thanks for your comments. As I have reflected this week, I think I have realised where some of my frustrations come from.

The reality is that at present I am living two lives. I have never been more aware in myself of being two different people and I hate this but that is just the honesty of the situation at present. I hate it because I have always thought that to live this way is dishonest and fake. I have always admired the virtue of transparency and simply being real and I like to try and live my life that way but this way of living is so unfamiliar to me. Being more reconnected to life is undoubtedly healthy for me and keeps me alive. Being around people is so important for me as it is there I can find a degree of normality. That is genuinely me being me but when I am alone it just seems different. I get frustrated that the 'me' somebody spoke to only an hour ago and who seems pretty normal, is a different 'me' now. It is so wierd and so hard.

For now though I have to be honest with myself first and foremost. When I am alone I need to allow myself to be me - to grieve and cry and lament and feel the pain of loss. When I am with others I need to allow myself to be me - to laugh and lead and encourage and love and enjoy company. Two different people it seems but both me and that is the honesty of it.

'..those that worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.'