some thoughts,,,
Sorry i haven't blogged properly in a while. The last couple of months have ended up incredibly busy (probably too busy) and I have thrown myself into things, allowing if I am honest a combination of life, work and God to drag me through. It has been good to be involved again in many exciting things going on in church, 24-7 prayer and the life of many of my friends. I have done a bit of preaching again and in general find myself doing all the things and more that I have done for the last years of my life. All of this has left me really tired - too tired to even try and articualte my thoughts on a blog!!
I am seeing the answer to so many peoples prayers as I try to rebuild and re-engage with life again and while at times the reality that Lins is not with me is still so sureal, I am a little bit further down the road of the journey to acceptance. The thing I find difficult though is that as people see me reconnect with life and doing many of the things I normally did, they might somehow assume that because of this I am 'over things.' I am not saying people do think that but I just hate the thought that they might, and I feel the need tonight for people to know this. It probably comes from my own insecurities and frustrations but the thought that I could ever be 'over things' makes me feel sick
God has been largely silent but very present in my darkness and is healing my soul and I want Him to receive glory for that but I do still miss Lins so much. The last week or two especially, I find part of me longing, actually craving is more accurate, to hold her and to know the pleasure and intimacy of her love. I have become tangibley aware of the part of me she completed and being only half a man is such an empty feeling. The lonliness seeps deeper into the soul and while I am usually able to control my moods now, when I am alone I find the emotions rise to the surface so quickly. I suppose all of this highlights for me the sheer depth of privlege it is for one to be completed by another.
I find solace in that I sense that Jesus knows this pain and continues to enter it with me and embrace it - 'the One who is touched with the feelings of our infirmities.' But to deny this pain is to be dishonest.
I don't want to focus on my pain and hurt in a way that is attention seeking (i really hope it is not) but just as many see me re-engage with life, community and work again I feel the need to say tonight how much I still miss and love Lindsay....what a girl I had.
I think what I am trying to say is that when I am on a stage speaking and plontificating, I want people to know that I have not got it all together again, I am still a broken, complex, insecure and struggling man in need of the mercy of Jesus.
I am seeing the answer to so many peoples prayers as I try to rebuild and re-engage with life again and while at times the reality that Lins is not with me is still so sureal, I am a little bit further down the road of the journey to acceptance. The thing I find difficult though is that as people see me reconnect with life and doing many of the things I normally did, they might somehow assume that because of this I am 'over things.' I am not saying people do think that but I just hate the thought that they might, and I feel the need tonight for people to know this. It probably comes from my own insecurities and frustrations but the thought that I could ever be 'over things' makes me feel sick
God has been largely silent but very present in my darkness and is healing my soul and I want Him to receive glory for that but I do still miss Lins so much. The last week or two especially, I find part of me longing, actually craving is more accurate, to hold her and to know the pleasure and intimacy of her love. I have become tangibley aware of the part of me she completed and being only half a man is such an empty feeling. The lonliness seeps deeper into the soul and while I am usually able to control my moods now, when I am alone I find the emotions rise to the surface so quickly. I suppose all of this highlights for me the sheer depth of privlege it is for one to be completed by another.
I find solace in that I sense that Jesus knows this pain and continues to enter it with me and embrace it - 'the One who is touched with the feelings of our infirmities.' But to deny this pain is to be dishonest.
I don't want to focus on my pain and hurt in a way that is attention seeking (i really hope it is not) but just as many see me re-engage with life, community and work again I feel the need to say tonight how much I still miss and love Lindsay....what a girl I had.
I think what I am trying to say is that when I am on a stage speaking and plontificating, I want people to know that I have not got it all together again, I am still a broken, complex, insecure and struggling man in need of the mercy of Jesus.
posted by Alain Emerson at
12:10 AM
6 Comments:
Hi :-) I don't know you, but I ran across your blog via Mark Russell's blog. I just wanted you to know that I COMPLETELY understand your concern about wanting people to realize that even though you're getting back to your "normal routine" that you're still hurting and missing Lindsay. Both my parents passed away while I was still in high school, and as I began to get back into "the groove of things" it was important to me too that other people realized that I wasn't necessarily "over" losing my parents. It still hurt, but I was learning how to be human again. Just wanted to let you know that there's someone out there that can relate. God bless :-)
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
By
Rhea, At
3:16 AM
I cried as I read this. I have been astounded to see God's hand on your life. How, almost in spite of yourself, He anoints you and fills you with a passion for him and his world. You have been amazing in how you have responded to the events in your life... It must be difficult to be so in the limelight, watched by a lot of people. But Alain I have not for one minute thought you are 'over'this. I think most of us are aware that it will be a long and difficult journey. Still, I am so grateful for the respite that you are able to sometimes find from the intensity of the pain.
I have discovered that my Jacob shares Lindsay's birthday. I will always remember her.
Love, Nina
By
Anonymous, At
9:34 AM
Ally, we see and we know that you are not through the other side of your pain and grief. And while it's good to see life returning in your eyes, I still find it difficult to see you and not cry for you... And so we keep praying ... Love ya xx
By
Jules, At
10:22 AM
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
Kris Goudie, At
8:43 PM
Hi on reading your blog I can relate to your pain. Pain in the heart is the most unbearable pain imaginable. I don't only mean pain though death there are many more sutuations that pain can come from. It is a true saying you don't know what is behind a smiling face.
The most used and abused words today are GET OVER IT & MOVE ON- easy for some but not for all. I know how it feels to be broken and my pain is still raw after many years. I feel isolated on this one as many times those most used and abused word have been said to me. Time has not healed it for me, I go about my daily life as if everything is fine but it is far from it. God Bless.
By
Anonymous, At
3:11 PM
Ally,
In times of pain we (as Christians) tend to react in one of two ways. We run away from God or we run to God.
It inspires me how you cling to God and show His love in your life even at this difficult time.
To be honest I don't think I would have run TO God. I would have taken the easy way out and run away.
I don't think anyone who knows how much you love Lins would ever for a second believe you are 'over things'.
It blesses me that even through your pain you still stand strong in God. You have shown great courage.
Love and Blessings xx
By
Dreams In The Darkness, At
11:57 PM
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