Wrestling with God...

This is from Frederick Buechner's, Son of Laughter, a novel based on the life of Jacob. It is a superb read. This is a passage in the book regarding Jacob's wrestle with God.

Out of the dark someone leaped on me with such force that it knocked me onto my back. It was a man. I could not see his face. His naked shoulder was pressed so hard against my jaw I thought he would break it. His flesh was chill and wet as the river......I got my elbow into the pit of his throat and forced him off. I threw him over onto his back. His breath was hot in my face as I straddled him. His breath came in gasps. Quick as a serpent he twisted loose and I was caught between his thighs. The grip was so tight I could not move. He had both hands pressed to my cheek. He was pushing my face into the mud, grunting with the effort. Then he got me on my belly with his knee in the small of my back. He was tugging my head up toward him. He was breaking my neck.....just as my neck was about to snap, I butted my head upward with the last of my strength and caught him square. For an instant his grip loosend and I was free. Over and over we rolled together into the reeds of the water's edge. We struggled in each others arms. He was on top. I was on top. I knew they were not Esau's arms. It was not Esau. I did not know who it was. I did not know who I was. I knew only my terror and it was as dark as death. I knew only that the stranger wanted my life.

For the rest of the night we battled in the reeds with the Jabbok roaring down the gorge above us. Each time I thought I was lost, I escaped somwhow. There were moments when we lay exhausted in each other's arms the way a man and women lie exhausted from passion. There were moments when I seemed to be prevailing. It was as if he was letting me prevail...we could not see each other. We spoke no words. I did not know why we were fighting. It was like fighting in a dream.

He outweighed me, he out-wrestled me, but he did not overpower me. He did not overpower me until the moment came to overpower me. When the moment came, I knew that he could have made it come whenver he wanted. I knew that all through the night he had been waiting for that moment. He had his knee under my hip. The rest of his weight was on top of my hip. Then the moment came, and he gave a fierce downward thrust. I felt a fierce pain.

It was less a pain I felt than a pain I saw. I saw it as light. I saw the pain as a dazzling bird shape of light. The pain's beak impaled me with light. It blinded me with the light of its wings. I knew I was crippled and done for. I could do nothing but cling now. I clung for dear life. I clung for dear death. My arms trussed him. My legs locked him. For the first time he spoke, 'Let me go.'.....

I will finish it of in the next couple of days. If your wrestling - your wrestling to a place of new identity - don't let go.....