The part of her that is hard to explain...

I have sat around Stansted airport a lot today, the plane has been delayed. I have been listening to my ipod alot and reading Lance Armstrong's autobiography (arguably the greatest cyclist of all time and who survived cancer in the middle of his career).

My emotions have felt incredibly raw over the last few days and engaging with both the music and the book have brought these emotions to the surface easily. Armstrong's journey through cancer is an inspiring story but touches deep wounds as I relive the journey with Lins. Scans, diagnosis, surgery, prognosis, oncologists, seizures, more surgery, hospital meals, treatment, blood counts, hospital car parks, friends, prayers, wheelchairs, nurses, the walk out of hospital each night, and on and on the memories go...For all the pain it evokes when reading things like this, in another way when I read other people's experiences of this kind of suffering, I am once again filled with such pride when I think of how Lins, my wife, dealt with what she did and more importantly in the manner she did.

For anyone going through this at the minute, I feel for you so much. It is an horrendously horrible journey but I pray for the peace that we felt at times when we needed it.

One of the songs I have listened to so much over the last while is from an album Lins and I listened to alot. It is from a group called Over the Rhine. Of the many great songs on this album the one I find myself listening to is 'What I remember most.' The songs starts of 'the saddest songs are the happiest' (there is definitely something in that) but the end of the chorus goes like this 'you were 80% angel, 10% demon, the rest is hard to explain.' Lins was not perfect she would have been the first to admit it but for me she was pretty close. The more I think about her the more heavenly (80% angel) I realise she was, but it is '...the rest which is hard to explain...' that I miss the most...

It is the mysterious, intriguing, unique part of Lins that drew me after her soul so easily, that I am so aware of these last few days and leaves such a gap in my soul. The part of her that, uniquely for me, set her apart from all others....when simply being with her in silence made me feel more complete, more whole, more of a man. When I have jabs of memory of that level of connection I experience an emptiness so deep I feel like the bottom as fallen out of me and I begin weeping all over again. Probably just all part of the process towards healing though.

Hopefully being in Ibiza though can be as good for me as it was last time. Hanging out with Brian and the Heasely family can only ever be a good thing....

Sorry if my writings are continually depressing and your getting bored. I worry sometimes that the writings may sound self-pitying. I hope not. I suppose I can't really apologise for how I feel though at present and I know I need to be true what's going on inside. I hope that is why you read this if you do - because in some way you can connect with me trying to be honest. I will try to also speak more of the glimpses of hope and progress I am making when I feel like I am but the processing of my thoughts in this way is one way I feel I can move forward.