Home again..
Back home yesterday morning and away to a wedding of two great friends, Chris and Lynn. They truly are an amazing couple and was good to witness their big day as well as see some old friends.
The 4 days in Ibiza was good for me, I feel. At home it is so hard to know how to be yourself. There is this constant tension going through me when I am in public. I don't want to pretend to be ok because I am not ok and yet at the same time I don't want to draw unnatural attention to my own sadness and despondancy. I don't want people to throw a pity party every time they see me and yet I want people to know how much I miss and loved Lins and I think if my face depicts pain (which is what I feel inside) then it more obviously reflects how incredibly special Lins was to me. It is hard to know how to be 'natural' I guess but I suppose this is not a natural thing in someways.
I think what I mean is I find it really hard to be transparent at the minute and as transparency is a characteristic I value highly, it leaves me findng this time extremely difficult, disorientating and unfamiliar.
Being away for a few days in a context where I did not feel this same intensity of struggle felt like a slight relief. It helped that I was being loved and looked after by the wonderful Heasley family, the courageous and compassionate Ibiza 24/7 team (check out Brian's blog to the right and pray for these guys) and chatting loads about love and life and Lins with Brian and Tracy. I missed Lins every minute I was there but think I made progress being there and it showed me that I could laugh again and to a certain extent enjoy life in small parts.
However leaving there on Wednesday night was so difficult. About an hour or so before I left I felt that deadening sick feeling building up again, starting in my stomach but then pervading my whole being. The thought of returning home again to 'my world' of emptiness and pain was so repulsing I did not want to come home. Again Brian and Tracy loved and consoled me but as I sat in the airport on my own crying my eyes out about returning to the harsh reality that my lover is not now with me the despair came rushing through my body again like a drug. It is a terrible place to be. It almost makes me feel guilty. I have the best family anyone could wish for, truly inspirational compassionate and wonderful friends who have carried me for weeks, a church family whose love, support and prayers have staggered me beyond belief and yet I did not want to come home. Why?
Because home reminds me the most that inside me I am not at home - I am in a distant country, without a map, disorinetated and at times lonely, longing for the feeling of home, of which I now realise is heaven. I find myself saying like the early followers of Jesus after His ascension, 'Maranatha'....an Aramaic word for 'Come, o Lord.'
'Come quickly Lord, I want to go home.' I am trying to add to that prayer I have prayed often over the last weeks something like this,
'Father, while I am still here on earth, fix me please, put me back together in the love of Jesus and help me to help in your mission of bringing heaven to earth until the day I go there to be with You....
and with Lins.'
The 4 days in Ibiza was good for me, I feel. At home it is so hard to know how to be yourself. There is this constant tension going through me when I am in public. I don't want to pretend to be ok because I am not ok and yet at the same time I don't want to draw unnatural attention to my own sadness and despondancy. I don't want people to throw a pity party every time they see me and yet I want people to know how much I miss and loved Lins and I think if my face depicts pain (which is what I feel inside) then it more obviously reflects how incredibly special Lins was to me. It is hard to know how to be 'natural' I guess but I suppose this is not a natural thing in someways.
I think what I mean is I find it really hard to be transparent at the minute and as transparency is a characteristic I value highly, it leaves me findng this time extremely difficult, disorientating and unfamiliar.
Being away for a few days in a context where I did not feel this same intensity of struggle felt like a slight relief. It helped that I was being loved and looked after by the wonderful Heasley family, the courageous and compassionate Ibiza 24/7 team (check out Brian's blog to the right and pray for these guys) and chatting loads about love and life and Lins with Brian and Tracy. I missed Lins every minute I was there but think I made progress being there and it showed me that I could laugh again and to a certain extent enjoy life in small parts.
However leaving there on Wednesday night was so difficult. About an hour or so before I left I felt that deadening sick feeling building up again, starting in my stomach but then pervading my whole being. The thought of returning home again to 'my world' of emptiness and pain was so repulsing I did not want to come home. Again Brian and Tracy loved and consoled me but as I sat in the airport on my own crying my eyes out about returning to the harsh reality that my lover is not now with me the despair came rushing through my body again like a drug. It is a terrible place to be. It almost makes me feel guilty. I have the best family anyone could wish for, truly inspirational compassionate and wonderful friends who have carried me for weeks, a church family whose love, support and prayers have staggered me beyond belief and yet I did not want to come home. Why?
Because home reminds me the most that inside me I am not at home - I am in a distant country, without a map, disorinetated and at times lonely, longing for the feeling of home, of which I now realise is heaven. I find myself saying like the early followers of Jesus after His ascension, 'Maranatha'....an Aramaic word for 'Come, o Lord.'
'Come quickly Lord, I want to go home.' I am trying to add to that prayer I have prayed often over the last weeks something like this,
'Father, while I am still here on earth, fix me please, put me back together in the love of Jesus and help me to help in your mission of bringing heaven to earth until the day I go there to be with You....
and with Lins.'
posted by Alain Emerson at
4:34 PM
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