Courage.....

Over in Manchester for the weekend with Stefan. Been good to see him again - chat, eat, walk and listen to music together. Friendships move to deeper levels at times like this. I think it is good for me to do things like this, get away to different environments, out of the intensity of struggle that I find in life at home. However it also brings deep jabs of pain, being away without Lins. Not being able to phone her, buy her something to bring home, look forward to going home to her. I miss her so so much.

The last time I was here was in September last year. Lins was with me. We spent three days with Stefan. By this stage Lins' sore heads were getting worse and it was the week after we returned home from Manchester that we received the initial diagnosis. It is still so surreal at times and so difficult to understand how and why things have transpired the way they have and so quickly.

Stefan left me off at the Trafford centre (massive shopping centre) last night for a few hours while he went to work. I sat on a seat outside Thorntons (the chocolate shop) where Lins and I had sat in September. She loved those chocolate fountains they have in Thorntons and I can vividly remember sitting on that wooden seat with her, feeding each other strawberrys covered in melted chocolate.

Doing things like this are incredibly hard obviously - retracing times and places we enjoyed together - but I think there is a healing in embracing and entering into them, taking them into myself, trying to experience every moment of that time again and then trying to let go.

Over the last few days I have been reflecting on the courage and dignity that Lins showed throughout her sickness. I am afraid that we can forget this too quickly and I hope we don't. I don't think I could have maintained anywhere near the same remarkable strength and grace that Lins portrayed throughout her ordeal. Of course we must attribute much of the strength Lins displayed to the many prayers that many people prayed over the course of the months of her sickness. She appreciated those prayers more than you will ever know.

But this leads me to a deeper question. We need faith for miracles and we need faith for life, no question. I am all for this. But do we need faith/trust/strength to deal with things like sickness and death when prayers are not answered as we would want?

Doubtless there are many people in this type of situation. I hope that Lins is an inspiration to these people, indeed to us all. Courage is a virtue that is talked about a lot in the Bible, but probably severely lacking in much of Christendom today. My observation is that the consumeristic nature of much of Christianity in the West today leaves many Christians acting like children who don't get there own way with God when things in life don't turn out the way they want them to and in turn reveals the lack of genuine depth of faith that many have in God. Lins certainly displayed a courage and dignity in the face of horrendous adversity that will inspire me through the rest of my life.

My fear is, because our prayers were not answered the way we ultimately wanted them to be, that we can move on thinking that we have little to thank God for or learn from. Don't get me wrong I still struggle with the same questions, anger and disappointments that have plagued me over the last two months and quite simply I don't understand why it had to be like this - but to forget about how Lins went through her ordeal and what we can learn from her would be a travesty.

Bad things happen in life, troubles come, and will continue to. Jesus even told us to prepare for them. We need courage to face them, we need, in spite of the questions and disappointment to display a dignity that glorifies God in the midst of our pain and failure to understand. I believe Lins' experience has something to teach us all in this regard and in this way I believe she was special. Of course God gets glory when people get healed (I will continue to pray for such) but surely He still gets glory when people deal with suffering the way Lins did. The kind but honest remarks and letters from many of the hospital staff who grew to love Lindsay and witness her attitude through illness would confirm this. Of course I wish with everything within me God had received glory through her healing and there are many different layers of disappointment connected here but as I begin the long process of coming to terms with what has happened I cannot deny the effect Lindsay's attitude to her suffering has had on me and countless others.

I appreciate more than words could ever say, the prayers and thoughts of many people towards me and my present pain and heart-break, but please don't forget Lins (I know you haven't) -

her courage, her dignified response to a totally underserved fatal illness, her determination to go through major surgery and treatment, her quiet strength and grace to deal with the loss of hair and other limitations placed on her, her constant willingness to think of others in spite of her own pain, her momumental strength to deal with continual bad news from the dedicated doctors and surgeons, her daily graceful trust in God to take her through each step, and the beauty of Jesus that shone through her like a beacon until she went to be with Him. I will never forget...and give thanks to God for such an example...